I just wrote a long (2 part) post about retrospectives and blame. I didn’t post it here, because, well… it wasn’t really a question, at the time. I didn’t feel like I was coming from a “please help me understand” place. This is where I know my stuff.
But anyway, you should read them. I don’t even know how to begin to summarize, so I wont. It’s
Retropectives, blame and the Prime Directive, Part 1
Retropectives, blame and the Prime Directive, Part 2
The good news is that at the end a question came up! Which gives me an excuse to post them here. ^__^
Here’s the question: Whabout shame?
So to coaches who are into accepting what is, not blaming, looking at root causes and meeting people with honesty, empathy and fondness (see part 2, above), what do you do about the shame people bring to the situation? What if you want to ask with HEF :) “what might be going on for you when you show up at 9:20 when our meeting’s at 9?” and you’re met with defensiveness and obfuscation?
I’m not talking about the occasional outlier, who’s extra defensive about everything. I’m talking about the whole range of folks, from that, to people who are pretty laid back (and/or practiced in meditation, because they’re not at all laid back—that would be me). All of us have a hard time with criticism, to some extent. Some are more aware, and some are less. How do we get past that shame on an individual basis, so we can talk about what is happening with an eye to improving things?
(I want to hear what you have to say regardless, but I imagine my question will make more sense, and your answer be more relevant to that question, if you read the original posts first.)
Hmmmmm. This, I think, is why we pay you the big bucks, bringing up complications like these.
Shame is a tremendous force in most people’s lives. It seems to urge a body towards excellence, but what it really does is tell a body to feel bad. Ooops.
In our way of excellence, shame is an enemy. Shame is the thing that prevents people from trying.